Well, this end of afternoon the stars aligned after a crazy day, and after somehow managing to empty all the laundry baskets, clean pee incidents off the floor, make countless hot chocolates and slices of toasts ( or as we know them here flour jam and bread) for sore little throats, sing the alphabet several times and have to deal with the constant barking of a robot dog (I am bearing with it because it means the batteries will die faster, or so I hope), I had the genius idea to use my old pillows to make some sort of cushion for the rocking chair. And well, it was kind of comfortable, and so I started my editing which really needed done as some is backlogged. Of course almost immediately I was surrounded by toddlers wanting to sit on the arms of the rocking chair and "help me work"... after a couple of hours and near bed time they agreed to come down and play since their time was counted. I decided to give another go at editing, and it works... and it's great... and then of course cries start. Cries start over an argument which goes like this:
Lilly: I am going to marry YOU Kaede.
Kaede: No, you won't marry me, I am going to marry YOU Lilly!
Lilly: NOOOO I want to marry YOU!
Kaede: NOOOO, I want to marry YOU!!!
Yes, the irony... and probably the basis of so many romantic comedies and novels. Kaede runs away back to me and start telling me her side of the story, which is pretty similar to Lilly's story as to what is going on. Except that at this point, Kaede is sitting on my lap. And while I am trying to resonate with them, a nauseous smell followed by a very warm sensation spreads on my legs... I look at Kaede. she looks at me and says: Ooooh.... my nappy expWOOOOOOded!!!.
Brand new nappy... but as I have mentioned earlier, the girls are starting a cold and so anything can happen... and it just did. So I pack up the editing for a few more hours, knowing damn well I will by then only want to sleep, even though someone squishing my stomach and squirting acid up my oesophagus is probably going to make that impossible, while his best friends happily nestles himself against my bladder and occasionally stretches under my ribs.
This, my friend is the joy that comes with the motherhood side of my life. I love it, it tires me... and it challenges me every single moment. It isn't all me but just like any aspect of myself it influences all I experience... and it is worth it for the hugs, it is worth it for the "peekaboo mommy I see you" giggled from behind the shower window, or the sleepy I love you and butterfly kisses... it is worth all the efforts, the tears, the finance, the overstretched skin and missed meals... but it is also bloody hard. It's hard when you feel like you should just be showing off that wonderful and exciting image of the perfect mother who manages it all or the career woman who meets all her targets. It is hard because even with a wonderful supporting partner, somehow, a lot always ends up on your shoulders and even if you challenge the "norms", even if you both feel responsible for the education of the children, the night time cuddles after a nightmare, the runs for that extra trip to the potty and glass of water, the paying of the bills, the housework and all aspects that come with a family while still trying to keep a sense of self and growth, at the end of the day, the eyes still turn to the mother if the outfit is mismatched, the nose has a trace of tomato sauce from a rushed lunch before music lesson or the toys are still present on the floor at a last minute visit. Somehow it is hard. It is hard because while you get the chance to appreciate the sweet rewards in the comfort and safety of your nest, you still have to deal with the constant outsider look and sometimes, you have to privilege which you value the most and feel like you fall short of the other... because at the end of the day, we aren't just mothers, we are human beings, we aren't perfect but we try our best to manage it all and keep it all together even though our bodies are tired to the bone in a way half the human population will never get to understand and experience, we still have a right to be ourselves, all of us, not just mothers and we deserve a break. Which I will take... once I have manage to round up enough items for another batch of laundry after bedtime is over... because contaminated items cannot be left overnight or the smell will spread throughout the house to welcome us in the morning.
